now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Randomize
