I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
