so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
