Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
