I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
Randomize
