I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
