you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
Randomize