You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
