Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
Randomize
