i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
my liver is dry heaving
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
