go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
