There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
Randomize
