i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
