No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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