I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Randomize
