Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
