so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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