I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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