Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
