Capitaan dildo arrescate!
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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