girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
Randomize
