Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
