i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Randomize
