my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Randomize