in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
