just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
