Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
