You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
