He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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