I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Randomize