Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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