There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
