There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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