Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
