when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
