1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
I can't turn off my feet"
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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