Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
