The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
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