Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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