I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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