the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I made him ride the giant pony statue in my friends little sisters room before i let him get in the bed.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
BRING THE BAGELS
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
