why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
