I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
