my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
