I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
