so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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