well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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