chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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