I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
