So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
