I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
Blood and glitter go together right?
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
