remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
