I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
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