last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize