She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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