If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
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