The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
i just got hit on on the bus. Yes sir, because its every boys dream to fuck a forty year old with a face tattoo
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
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