We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Randomize
