i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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