So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
