it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Best walk of shame ever. Not only did I not remember his name or the fact that we fucked, they all watched as I tried to get into 3 cars that werent mine
Oh and I threw up on myself...
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
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