he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
