omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize