I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
