do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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