I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
