When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
True strength comes from lack of pants
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
