Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
Randomize
