Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
pray to the hookup gods
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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