dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
