the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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